I haven’t blogged in forever……I have missed it! So much has happened! So glad to be back! I don’t know where to begin? Things are always changing, daily …. you have to go with the flow! I hate that my son has a learning disability. I really wish I could give him the confidence and the love he needs. Sometimes I just want to go to school with him. I wish I could take him out of public school. I sometimes think that public schools fail our children. It’s not the teachers fault. What used to be 15 kids in a classroom is now almost 30 and they say my son needs it but he does better one on one and in small groups but no one has time. I am at a loss. I could home school him but I would have to pay for a sitter to take care of him during the day while I worked and I can’t afford it. I know home schooling he could excel. I am taking him to a psychiatrist. He has social anxiety and he is making no effort but no one is teaching him to make the effort. So it all falls on me. They sent him to the principal ‘ s office because they thought he had a attitude but he doesn’t he is just blunt and monotone and that traumatized him so now he has no idea how to respond with fear of getting in trouble. I am just at a loss. I feel helpless and feel I am failing him as a parent.
Once again it’s night and the dark thoughts are creeping in. I am fighting them …pew pew pew ….back off evil doers….ugh …you lay in bed and that’s when they hit! But I get to go to the gym tomorrow. …starting the 5 day work out regime holy Hellooooooooooo Kitty …..bring it! I am read I’m ready (I’m my sponge bob voice)…..it’s my sanctuary of peace ….
I am distraught by lazy workers ….. I am held at a higher standard but they are not. They lie so much you don’t know when to believe them? But, I just focus on me and just go with it. What can you do it is at every job…..so I just suck it up and go on…eventually I will get my glory
I always try to be kind, and I don’t like two faced people …I know who cares what they think ….I would rather have honest ass hole or honest bitch then a fake whatever coworker, friend , just be real. Don’t be talking lies about me ….because I work …look at the videos. Cameras everywhere.
Something about them tables …they always turn…..I keep telling myself that …when people come to me and try to spread rumors I say if it isn’t nice or positive don’t tell me…I am I’m too good of a mood to let it ruin my day …they tell me anyways I laugh and blow it off but at night in the quiet it tries to push through.
- I empower people I raise them up! I motivate …I don’t put down or talk bad ….I believe we all have a purpose and it’s finding thst niche that one thing you rock at!
Love yourself first and foremost. No matter what anyone says never let them take away from who you are. If you like and love who you are don’t let their negative talk effect you. For so long I did. Now I live for me. I love me some me. All my weird qualities I realize make me awesome. I stayed hidden now I shine! It is hard I want to be loved bit not at the cost of people hurting me or putting ne down…..I like who I am. Sometimes what they do brings out some negative things that I do, but they don’t want to admit it. So I decided to set boundaries and keep them if I start showing the behavior to walk. I don’t like that about and I should not have to do,that to keep you. We all learn after a relationship ends what not to do for the next. So here I am ready to roll on. I know now that all my failed relationships are not my fault a lot was insecurities and self-esteem and I got this. Love yourself. Don’t let your goals slide for your love either.
Today has been good! I am happy! The wonderful “M” text me trying to be but failed. He said I don’t read your texts and I don’t answer your calls and something about filing a restraining order against me. I giggled.
1. We live 2 hours away from each other now. I don’t know where he lives. So not like I am driving by or coming to his house
2. I don’t call him last time I talked to him was 8/6 after I got verbally attacked by messages,on fb and asked him to tell them to quit making fake accounts to message me and I resported,them to fb. He called me crazy lol me but they made fake fb accounts?
3. I only text him yesterday at 2 pm to say even though you owe me what I consider a lot of money don’t worry about sending it that would mean I need to keep contact and I don’t. So forget and I am done.
I told him show the cops the text I sent and all that information I just sent they will call you coo coo and a cry baby. I think you want drama and because I don’t want you around you are looking for anger. I am done I don’t care where you are in life and what happens to you as long as you leave me alone. So go have a drink ….you are irrelevant.
I finally stood up for myself what used to hurt my feelings made me laugh and what he said made no sense. You try be nice and they continue to try to berate you thinking you are the awful ones. He just didn’t get it. He is such a narcissistic person. He feels so remorse and sees nothing wrong in what he did.
He wrapped up me up in a drama full circle. He made fun of me he lied to me and about me. He actually had people confront me about being a joke. I have never been so humiliated. He said I was,crazy when I didn’t do anything. He made up so much stuff. It was heart breaking. For once I didn’t deserve any of this. I guess that’s why I have no emotion or feeling for him and doesn’t care what happens to him.
What’s sad is that he will eventually try to contact me. He thinks being mean to me hurts me and makes me cry and I will text and apologize not this time. After what he said and did I won’t I have nothing to apologize for. He did some things that I am trying to forgive him for. I just want him gone. He is deleted now. I just wanted done and gave him an out thought I was being nice but sometimes no matter how nice you are people will find a,way to be vengeful.
He will see that and reflect. …..
But I am happy it didn’t stop me I didn’t lose sleep and I am still rocking this day.
He has zero reason to hate me but he carries it around so that’s on him and I don’t care what he thinks. His opinion means nothing to me and I made that clear. I think I can finally be done and just not worry anymore.
I know I haven’t blogged in a day or so…..been kind of lost. I have been writing my thoughts out on paper. There are just to many thoughts to just pin point one, and just to many to just write. I did make it to the gym 3 times this week so the I am in the process of changing my habits. I son aka Nugget has made it 7 days in the 4th grade. He is so much like Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory minus showing his smarts. He is so smart but will fly low on the radar to not get called on. He is in class with his best buddy so I hope this help with his social anxiety.
I am in the process of forgiving “M” on my own terms. I of course don’t want to talk to him. I have done research on what he did to me and what he was going through and I have found clarity. He does owe me money, but I actually sent a text stating I don’t want the money. Getting the money back would be having further contact with you. I don’t want that and don’t want to participate in conversing with you on any level. I don’t really think he gets what he did to me or caused me. I went through a day of just breaking down and then my body and weight still have not been normal. I dropped weight fast in the past 3 weeks and now have had it even out and steady for the past week. I have been eating bad food to raise my weight. I am 5’9 1/2 and the weight for my body make up and height is 158 -168 I was at 174 and happy. In 3 days I went to 165 and then dropped to 162 then 155 I looked sick. I began eating bad which messed up my stomach and I couldn’t eat much so now I am working out and eating healthy and in a week I am at 162. If I can get lean and toned I will be happy at this weight.
I have PTSD and have not had this kind of reaction before. But I also have never been put through this. I was not hit. I had people sending me messages verbally attacking over things he asked me to do but then he lied to them so they sent me awful messages. He said awful things to me. I want nothing to do with him. I don’t care how he is doing or where he is at in life as long as I don’t have to be a part of it I am good. But, I have to learn to forgive him.
I am just trying to think before I react. Smile through it. Remember that I run my day the day doesn’t run me. I am not who they say I am. We all have a story we all have a reason for doing things. Just because I don’t react like they think I should doesn’t mean I am anything they say.
I don’t know random thoughts kind of dark
I work retail and I am a supervisor and I know stealing is wrong. I don’t like it when people steal from me or lie. Theft effects our bonus. However, when I have to walk into a room and retrieve the items someone stole and they are sitting there and some have no conscious and I don’t feel bad. But, some look scared and lost and I just feel bad because they are kids and you have no idea why they are doing it. I know I shouldn’t feel bad. I know they know better and I know I shouldn’t care but I know there has to be a reason. Some are so small and I know they were given lists. It breaks my heart. Some children have to sit outside while I go through what has been paid for and what hasn’t been paid for and take that toy away they are holding thinking it was paid for. If I have the money that day I go buy it. I can’t stand to see kids tricked and played and caught in the middle and sadly they are being taught this is Ok. I just don’t know how to feel. I felt awful seeing the kid in high school go away on cuffs. I know I know he did the crime he should go but maybe there was more,to it. He stole food. Maybe there was none and he was trying to feed his brothers and sisters? Still wrong but If he told they would all be taken away. Idk how to feel. Who knows!?